one lonely success

on saturday night, mandy and i carved the hell out of this poor innocent pumpkin. what we lacked in creativity we made up for in sexiness.

is a pumpkin a fruit or vegetable?

enjoy the goodness here

so i decided to quit this whole blogging non-sense, but then four days passed and i’m so over that decision. so let me take this opportunity to welcome you to the jcdn reunion tour. missed me didntcha?

so if you’re wondering what the hell i’ve been doing during my four-day blogging sabbatical, here’s the run-down as made famous by thewhalingwall:

sunday the girlfriend and i went up to lake arrowhead for their version of oktoberfest. now the good citizens of lake arrowhead have a beautiful little city but they don’t know shit about throwing an oktoberfest. let’s me just summarize by saying that a “german band” opened their little festival with “the chicken song”. no shit. it made us want to poke out our own eyes.

so mandy and i improvised and we ended up taking rapid-fire-runway-pictures of each other walking up and down the boat docks as if we were on america’s next top oktoberfest model. it was quite easily my gayest moment–ever–and i can only pray that the pictures never see the light of day.

on monday night my buddy rafa recited some of his poetry at the grind in riverside. he brought it def-poetry-jam-style and everyone was digging his charisma. i have no charisma, but i do have flair. goddammit i have flair!

afterwards, we were hanging out with a bunch of his friends and this one crazy chick was telling some story about her retarded-cosemtologist-coworker who hated her first experience giving head…to another retard of course. i’ll save that little gem of a story for another time.

comparatively, tuesday night was a real snoozer because mandy had classes until 11pm and i was stuck in lab poking cancer cells with a really big stick. so we decided to chill out and watch an episode of lost on dvd. neither of us saw season 1, so we’re enjoying it commerical-free on dvd which is the way that jesus intended television to be enjoyed.

thank you jesus.

and now you are delightfully caught up.

in other news:

in the past, mandy and i have discussed the merits of “bros before hoes” as a life-guiding principle.

having learned nothing from my previous experience, tonight i chose to discuss with her the intricacies of “band. girls. money.” needless to say, the discussion proceeded quite comparatively to the great bros before hoes debate of 2005.

in a completely related note, tonight is band practice because we’re getting ready for the big-fuck-thanksgiving-party-show. no really, that’s what were calling it.

i’m gonna sell shirts and stuff because “money” is number 3 in that list.

rawk.

Mandy: law & order is good

Jeff: not if it’s that special victims unit bullshit

Mandy: nope. criminal intent. dun, dun, dun!

Jeff: i wish angie harmon was still on law & order. we have the same birthday and that means we’re probably soulmates.

Mandy: wow. soulmates. ok

Jeff: i bet she wouldn’t mind being a damn snowflake

Mandy: right.

Jeff: ok i’m done talking about angie harmon

Mandy: i just learned a new term on law & order. ‘brained‘ that means someone smashed someones head against something and killed them.

Jeff: see. who says you can’t learn anything by watching tv.

so last night we celebrated tim’s birthday because on saturday he’s turning 30 and that doesn’t seem old anymore. debra and wini put together this big party at the pool club and showed him the love. lizzy made tim these peanut butter chewy things because he goes ape shit for them and when one of your friend’s goes ape shit for something you bake then you better damn well make it for them on their birthday. then everyone laughed because peanut butter can kill me and there’s nothing funnier at a birthday party than jokes about a deadly food allergy.

so lizzy was trying to get some time with the internet jukebox thing, but there were these three really big girls who were hogging the joint. turns out that one of them spent 3k on a boob job and she thought she was the shit. so i told lizzy i would move them along for her, but she said that she feared for my safety if i were to confront them because they were bigger than me and i’m not much of a fighter.

by the time we got a chance to choose some tunes we were buried by the big girls’ playlist. i swear they must have crammed twenty-bucks into that machine and that’s why you must always try to beat big-boob-job-girls to the jukebox.

always.

the flickr photoset is here or if slideshows are more of your style then this will make you smile.

it had been too long since they had seen each other.

too many weekends had passed. too many opportunities were wasted.

yet, when adam saw her, he immediately remembered what had first attracted them to each other.

the way she held herself, the way she innocently flipped her hair, the way she made him feel beautiful. when he was honest with himself he knew that he didn’t deserve someone so mature, so worldly, so well-versed in life.

you see, for the past few years adam had known that he was really just a child living in a grown-up’s world, but don’t be too quick to lament him. looking at the world though a child’s eyes wasn’t all bad. in fact, it was his innocence that first drew jill to him.

and this dear reader is where their story begins.

to say that the flight attendant on my american airlines flight from hawaii to lax is rude would be an understatement.

but let’s not get ahead of ourselves. afterall, spending a week in paradise is what makes my flight home all the more laughable.

so, alright, perhaps my sister and i spent a bit too much time eating lunch and perhaps arriving an hour before our flight left was a tad irresponsible.

as i was unloading our bags curbside, the toothless 80 year-old security guy started harassing me about how long i was going to be etc. i assured him that once we had unloaded our bags that our driver would be on her way. no sooner did my last bag touch the sidewalk, than officer toothless was all in my face demanding that my ride move her vehicle “before i move it for her”.

“calm your jets, tex, she’s pulling away right now,” i replied.

ok. so in hindisght calling the TSA guy “tex” may not have been my most tactful moment. he mumbled something as i walked away, but that’s cool because who can understand a mumbler?

if you’ve flown out of any of the hawaiian islands, then you’re familiar with the whole agriculture check thing. apparently, the hawaiians are fond of their pineapples and the only one’s they are willing to part with are the ones they sell at the fresh fruit stands located about 100 feet from the ag check. alirght, fine. capitalism, blah blah blah.

i navigated calmly through ag check only to find that half of my bags have disappeared! dun dun dah! i turn and notice a greasy-haired porter trucking towards another airline with half my shit. so i chase him down, convince him that i am jeff carter and that he has mistakingly apprehended one of my bags. he apologized perfusely for his mistake and after assuring him that i was the jeff carter of jeffcarter.net fame, i started hauling ass towards the american airlines counter.

the line to check-in to our flight was so long that they had the secondary-wait-here-to-get-in-line-you’re-fucked-line. eventually, the time came to hand over my bags to the TSA inspectors nazis. this is where things get giggly.
Continue reading ’sitting in a terminal with cat stevens’

Previously on jeffcarter.net

we should really go to hawaii.

it’s sunny there. the ocean is blue and the sand is fine like powder beneath your feet. when you wake up in the morning, the breeze blows the ocean’s breath in your face and it gives me new life.

we can meet up with that ship boat captain who smelled more like whiskey than the ocean. the locals will tell us how they came to the islands on vacation and never went back home. we’ll lie on the beach and dream about doing the very same, leaving behind home, school and friends.

it would be just us lying under the sun on a powdery beach by the blue ocean.

we should really go to hawaii.

today was my first full day in maui and i forgot how good i am at being a tourist.

i love the time difference between here and socal because i can sleep until 10am but i’m really rolling out of bed at 7am. this makes me feel productive and ready to take on the day like a goddamn united states marine.

while i was lying under the hawaiian sun, there was this rather large woman splashing around in cankle-deep water with little white ipod headphones coming out of her ears. i would have failed to notice the headphones had she not been screaming to the person right next to her about the clarity and warmth of the water. this made me smile.

tonight i’m going in search of the locals.