as i fly safely above california, i cant help but think that if i were to crash land onto a deserted island with these people (as often happens when traveling from LA to Seattle) that i would have to whip some of them into shape.

for sure.

as i look around the cabin, i’m confident that i would totally be the leader of this motely looking bunch and i’ll tell you one thing, i wouldn’t take any of their crying or whining.

hell no, i would run our little island with efficiency and….oh gawd…the chick in the washington huskies sweatpants just took her shoes off and she’s in desperate need of some sort of dr.scholl’s foot product.

i would so put smelly sock girl in charge of island laundry duties…

so i’m flying on alaska airlines because i’m so effing sick of southwest and there “make you stop twice to switch planes for a two hour flight before we load you onto a plane shittier than the one you just left” policy.

so far i can’t complain about my flight which if you’ve ever spent anytime at this little blog is a like a freak happenstance of nature.

yep all is well.

no crying babies. no annoying people around me. no grumpy flight attendants. nothing. come on people i make my living bitching about all of you!

so for christmas, mandy got me “the truth: with jokes” among other things, because she knows how to pay some god damn attention to my subtle hints. during my 2hour flight i tore through the first 100 pages and so far highly recommend it as a jeffcarter.net must read.

if you’re interested ask mandy and maybe she’ll buy you one too

Mandy: i like tina turner

Jeff Carter: cuz she’s sassy like u?

Mandy: yeah and she sings good like me too

Jeff: and she’s got nice boobs like u too

Mandy: hey wait a minute…

Jeff: what?

Mandy: i don’t sing good!

Jeff: oh yeah…but you’ve got nice boobs

Mandy: ok. just so we are clear

Jeff: i’m gonna blog that

Mandy: oh dear

Jeff: do u mind?

Mandy: oh, you’re serious?

Mandy: well it’s christmas, so knock yourself out

Jeff: really?

Jeff: that’s like getting an extra gift

Mandy: but remember, it’s a gift and we don’t get gifts everyday…that’s why christmas is special

last year i stole this from raymi and it’s pretty much my favorite picture of all time…including pr0n.

wtf

a year ago on jeffcarter.net…

toronto kids are real punks

the platinum blonde at the end of the bar appreciated the wandering glances. then again, who wouldn’t?

at one time or another, we’ve all been the conductor and we’ve all been the orchestra and we’ve all been the audience. our role in the moment is immaterial. appreciating the moment doesnt matters, rather only being in the moment does.

one drink. two drinks. three drinks. four.

pick up lines can come in all shapes and sizes. most of them we dont even know we are using…the subliminal…some call it the vibe. but where does the “vibe” come from and how do we alter/modify it? and if we knew how to, would we still want to?

most everything you will ever need to know about someone you can find out without them ever opening their mouth.

your vibe is the invisible little gossip who sits next to you waiting to share every dirty secret about you. treat her well.

if given the chance i would so spread holiday joy with the following wrapping paper…

my sister’s secretary emailed these to her earlier today and it’s just another reason why i’m glad that office secretaries have internet access in the work place.

these past few weeks, i’ve learned that video conferencing with iChat is the greatest thing on the planet. since i bought my iSight camera, i’ve been bugging everyone on aim with my incessant little video chats.

leanne got an iSight camera as an early christmas present and now we’re an unstoppable internet-video-chat-duo.

meanwhile, mandy’s trapped in orlando and her webcam is her only life-line to the goodness that is socal. i’m hoping that video chat can sustain her until she’s free from the clutches of the old south.

by the way, if you too are surprised that florida has broadband access, you’re not alone. i hear that electricity and running water aren’t far behind either. with innovations like these, soon floridians may actually be able to vote intelligently.

so if you are dying to see my smiling face and hear the deep rich bass of my manly voice, fire up AIM and message me at onelonelysuccess

while i was sick last week, i got hooked on the juice bar down the street. each day i had some form of fruit/juice/ice blend and now i crave them like crack cocaine. today, i got brave and ordered a a 1 oz shot of wheat grass because that’s what the docs drink on nip/tuck.

not to ruin the experience for the unknowing, but the green-grass-juice tastes just like…well grass. seriously. go outside. pick a handful of grass. put it in your mouth and start chewing. same damn thing.

despite the unsurprising taste, i’m quite sure that i am growing healthier and stronger by the second. i mean for god’s sake i drank grass juice. that has to have some benefit besides the psychological effect, right?

UPDATE: so my sister says that wheat grass can have some unexpected gastrointestinal effects. ummm. no one warned me about that when i ordered it. oh boy. maybe i’ll stay in tonight after all.

so i was sick all last week but school didnt care. this forced me to drag myself in to lab and spread my crazy mutant flu all over campus. on wednesday, i had an appointment to go to UCLA and play with their fancy flow cytometer. this gave me the unique opportunity to spread my germs to an unsuspecting group of med students who were undoubtedly stressed out about finals.

so this weekend, i’m catching up on christmas shopping and am picking up a couple of last minute gifts. after this holiday buying season, i’m convinced that i am one of the best gift givers of all time.

when you’re a starving student you either have to a.) give shitty gifts b.) give no gift at all or c.) cowboy up and come up with thoughtful gifts on a budget. i am definitely the latter.

so if you’re on my christmas list, you can rest easy because i’ve once again kicked this christmas’ proverbial ass…and who says non-believers don’t get the true meaning of christmas?

so for the past week i’ve had a fuck cold and this has given me the long-awaited excuse i needed to buy those anti-viral kleenex tissues. i’m a germ freak and so anything that even pretends to be anti-bacterial, fungal or viral wins my business.

i’m getting stronger by the minute, so don’t worry my little snowflakes, four-letter-laced-dribble will resume shortly.

in the meantime, leanne’s been busy getting propositioned in the ladies’ room.

Leanne Carter: i think for christmas we should all buy each other round-trip tickets to NY

Jeff Carter: yeah that would be awesome…we could go in February when it’s cold and snowy

Leanne Carter: we can also rent a car or take the train to Boston for a day…

Leanne Carter: i cant wait to see your face when you see the eifell tower…wait.

Jeff Carter: or the louvre

Leanne Carter: or the liberty bell

Jeff Carter: or the alamo

Leanne Carter: yeah or the place where elvis is buried…may he rest in peace

Jeff Carter: elvis is in heaven with grandpa

if you’re like me and you cant decide if you’re into all the christmas nonsense this year, then you should get an attitude adjustment because no one likes being around an asshole at christmas.

or so i’ve been told.

so i’m going to get my collective holiday shit together and the bright eye’s christmas album is kind of like taking crazy pills.

i’m going to seattle for new year’s. it’s cold there and when you are stuck in socal for christmas you think that anywhere cold is better than here.

and you’re right

i hope santa or jesus or somebody gets me Bill Maher’s new book for xmas.

“New Rule: You can’t wear a Che Guevara tee-shirt with your designer jeans unless you’re trying to be ironic. One is a symbol for impoverished workers. The other was sewn by them. You want to support the poor people in Latin America? Buy more coke.” -Bill Maher

Jeff Carter: i’ve always thought that gross should be spelled grose

Mandy: yeah

Jeff Carter: like morose or verbose

Mandy: and ridiculous should be spelled rediculous

Jeff Carter: YES!

Mandy: english is retarded

Jeff Carter: yeah it is, i’m tired of speaking it and writing it and reading it and having to put up with it’s cocky attitude

Jeff Carter: so if i want to say “yeah” as in short for yes, is that how you spell it?

Mandy: well i guess it wouldn’t be ‘short’ for yes since it has four letters…

Jeff Carter: but then “yay” is like yay i just had a cookie, right?

Mandy: right, “yay” is definitely like yay i had a cookie

Jeff Carter: well then why is it “yea, though i walk through the valley of the shadow of death…” wouldn’t that mean that it could be “yea i had a cookie”?

Mandy: i think ‘yea‘ is pronounced ‘yee-ah‘ like ‘do you wanna smoke crack? awww yee-ah!

Jeff Carter: as in awww-yee-ah-dawg?

Mandy: exactly

Jeff Carter: well then is psalm 23 supposed to be, “yee-ah though i walk…”

Mandy: yep. that’s much hipper, don’t you think?

Jeff Carter: yea i do

Jeff Carter: yeah i do

Jeff Carter: yay i do

Mandy: you’re not clever.

Leanne Carter: i think brando is weird.

Jeff Carter: brando is weird. he eats milkbones.

Leanne Carter: he’s sooo worried because he doesn’t know what he wants for xmas.

Jeff Carter: when he called me tonight i could sense the panic in his voice
Jeff Carter: he sounded like a kid sitting on santa’s lap two days before christmas and the mall is closing in 5 minutes and his mom is all, “brandon just tell santa what you want already” and then he freaks out and just asks for a train set

Leanne Carter: hahahaaha

Jeff Carter: like that time we were kids and you asked santa for a barbie doll cuz you freaked out and forgot that for the past 6 months all you wanted in the world was rainbow brite shit

Leanne Carter: i dont’ remember that shit poopie! that happened?
i kinda remember being fuck freak scared and just sayin’ ‘barbie doll’.

Jeff Carter: yeah we went to the mall after getting our annual carter family picture and mom was rehearsing with us what we would tell santa we wanted and then you got up there on santa’s lap and freaked out. later when mom asked what you asked santa for you said “…a barbie”

Jeff Carter: mom goes…”leanne, do you want a barbie?”
and you started crying and said “no…”

Leanne Carter: that is sooooooo sad.

Jeff Carter: i then freaked out and promised you that if santa didnt bring you want you wanted that you could have anything of mine in the whole world.

Leanne Carter: awwwwwwwwwwwwwwww

Jeff Carter: that night i prayed that jesus would tell santa that you were just scared and that santa should disregard the barbie non-sense

Leanne Carter: oh crap. tears are streaming down my face from laughter.

Jeff Carter: then i realized that jesus and santa were philosophically opposed and figured that the whole santa thing had to be nonsense. so i just started asking jebus for stuff. cut out the middle man ya know?

Leanne Carter: fat lot of good that did. you shoulda stuck with santa

Jeff Carter: no kidding…i totally picked the wrong team…

Read Leanne’s more eloquent and grammatically correct version of events here.

i was losing my mind in class today because our lecturer (a perinatal biologist) kept referring to gynecology as jin-ecology.

when old doc’s start pronouncing terms differently just to look smart it makes me want to poke out my own eye. yeah we get it, you’ve been a doctor longer than we’ve been alive, but that doesnt give you the right to just start making shit up.

after class i drove to costco and amidst the holiday shopping crowd, i totally scored the best parking spot of all time. this told me that all my years of being a good person have paid off and that karma does indeed exist.

on the way home i noticed that there was a huge broadcast tv truck parked by my house. the big-fuck-antenna was extended and the reporter was doing a live broadcast. i naturally assumed that the story somehow revolved around me and my gangsta lifestyle. turns out the crew was from telemundo and that made total sense to me because jeffcarter.net is huge en espanol.

you now know every boring detail of my life. for those of you not paying attention, keywords for today are 1) jin-ecology 2) karma and 3) telemundo