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via the superficial, pauly shore got knocked out by a redneck cowboy at some texas comedy club.
he’s the weeeassel.
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Monthly Archive for December, 2006
so last night my xmas tree fell over and the ornaments are strewn across my living room and even the gd star of bethlehem was none the wiser.
i have no intention of picking it up and if you can come up with a reason why i should, i would like to hear it. until then….merry xmas.
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today i’m wearing my grey chuck-t’s because i was a hipster back when
you guys were still lip-synching to cindi lauper and van halen.
the only problem w/ this particular pair of shoes is that with every
2nd or 3rd step, the right shoe makes an amazingly accurate fart sound.
step–step–frrrtt—step—step—frrrttt
this leaves me with the following dilema: do i stop wearing one of my
favorite pair of shoes at the risk of being branded as a fart-lover
or do i just go with it and let the world be damned?
decisions like this occupy the majority of my time.
so last sunday we went to see the taping of Comedy Central’s Last Laugh ‘06. i was pretty jazzed because we went to last year’s show and had a great time AND this year Lewis Black was the host. As you know from my about page, i love lewis black.
we met erin and mk at the orpheum in downtown la and i can barely even remember talking to them because my stomach was all aflutter because i knew lewis black was in the building. so we walked in and they stuck us up in these shit seats way in the back. this was unacceptable because apparently someone at comedy central didn’t get the memo about the socal bloggers being in attendance. after flagging down one of the producer-types we were moved to a more camera-friendly seats.
lewis did and awesome and–to her credit–erin was really understanding of me screaming “LEW! LEW! LEW!” over and over.
so i was doing my french-inspired-belly-laugh all night and as we’re sitting there this one mobile camera guy just camped out right in front of us filming us for all those cut-to-the-crowd-laughing-shots. we left there pretty jazzed and quite confident that we were gonna be plastered all over comedy central.
so they aired the special last night and about 10mins into the show BAM full on shot of erin and mk “fake laughing” for the camera. i sat there and watched every frame for the rest of the show and NOTHING. we totally got dicked out of being on TV by the kids who didnt even like the show!
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tonight’s gay-ass-music is brought to you by an aging-20-something-hipster.
enjoy.
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approximately 48hrs ago i ran out of clean clothes to wear. because of this i have been unable to leave my apartment, because society still won’t accept my nudity as a thing of beauty.
so i’ve been washing clothes non-stop and during the last wash/dry cycle i realized that i left my brand-fuck-new pack of cinammon listerene breath strips in my jean pocket.
let me tell you my friends, those little fuckers do not hold up well through the rinse cycle. interestingly, all of the clothes from that load have a sexy hint of cinammon about them. if when i walk out the door women cant keep their hands off me, then i’ll know that i’m on to something.
quit being so jealous of my life.
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So on thanksgiving, brandon and i decided that we would betypical american men and toss around the pigskin while our crazy families sat and conversed. These pictures are proof that i have a laser-canon-arm and an uncanny ability to make even the toughest of catches.
I’m also very happy by how nice my jeans look. I mean seriously…damn.
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while some people find it useful to keep a food diary, i just try to always wear the same sweatshirt. should i ever need to reference my caloric intake, i can just look at the front of my now tattered and stained sweatshirt and BAM full meal history.
i’m probably going to die alone.
*the guy in this picture is neither me nor the aeronautics engineer.
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life is meant to be more than spending your evenings singing harmony to old eric clapton records.
something’s got to give and i have to wake up so that i can get some sleep.
along those same lines, i was sitting on my couch during lunch, minding my own business and was enjoying the indent my ass was making in the couch. all of a sudden, i hear what sounds like a military troop running laps around the park and they’re all grunting and shouting and raising all sorts of hell. turns out it was soccer players practicing their soccer-stuff.
so i made some cerebral remark about jocks and went on watching the people’s court (it was a really good episode). as i walked out to the car, i thought wow soccer players are really in shape. as i drove by the park i realized that those manly men were girls…like junior high girls.
should someone ever attempt to attack and/or rape my body i hope some of these chicks are around to save me.
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i love how the ‘jolene’ character is such a pervasive theme in music. off the top of my head i can think of at least 5 songs about this mythical goddess.
so for tonight enjoy one of them with me. this is ‘jolene’ from ray lamontagne’s ‘trouble’ album.
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Erin: i tried to upload the video of charlie but youtube kept timing out while it was uploading.
Jeff: no good. do you know how big it is? i think youtube starts bitching if its more than 100mb
Erin: yeah, that would be a technical question which i am not equipped to answer.
Jeff: haha
Erin: i have a vagina = not so good with the numbers and stuff
Jeff: yes but the v gives you power beyond us mere mortals
Erin: true. oh so true.
Jeff: i’m so blogging that
Erin: make sure to quote where i say vagina.
Jeff: dude that’s the best part
Erin: and the part where you’re afraid to say vagina and say “v” instead….pussy
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so phil turned me on to ‘the perry bible fellowship‘ comics and today i’m loving this one. something about one whale telling another whale to shut the fuck up is hilarious.
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tonight’s music is from ben kweller’s latest self-titled album.
i hope ‘until i die‘ reaches you too.
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Stonebraker: so are you watching the seahawks’ game?
Jeff: yeah and doing some studying. damn, i was hoping i’d be watching this on a giant hdtv right now
Stonebraker: if it helps we aren’t winning in HD either
Jeff: LOL…i’m blogging that
Stonebraker: heh…so what are you studying?
Jeff: just brushing up on some bioethics issues
Stonebraker: dont kill people….done….BAM
Jeff: BAM…blogging that too…you’re like an overflowing fountain of blog material tonite.
Stonebraker: I’m feeling it
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the past few nights i’ve had crazy insomnia. i dont mean the tossing-and-turning kind, i mean the full-on stare at the ceiling ’til 4am kind. while searching for the underlying cause and treating it appropriately would be ideal, at this point i’ll take what i can find. suggestions?
so during sleepless night number #2 i watched this movie called ‘the chumscrubber‘ on hbo. now it may have been the fact that it was 3am, but i loved everything about the film. it had a quirky indy-tone and was all about the disconnect between kids and parents. also, i now i have a crush on camilla belle.
i apologize in advance if the hipster kids were into this when it came out last year and i’m just now getting excited about something that was awesome last year. you know what i mean…like when someone comes up to you and is all jazzed because they just saw ‘napoleon dynamite’ for the first time.
the problem with insomniacs is all they can talk about is insomnia. b-o-r-i-n-g.
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so i guess the ‘music‘ feature has everyone all excited and coming back for more. this excites me in a purely platonic way.
also, apparently over the past few days i’ve been clenching my jaw because this morning my fuck TMJ is so sore that i’ve been mumbling expletives to myself all day. i fear that my dentition will never recover.
how bout this for a little blog-appropriate topic:
today i went to fedex to ship a package and the girl at the counter says, “ok, so i’m going to ask you some questions, please just answer in a straight forward and clear manner“.
this got my attention because it sounded like she was going to start asking me all kinds of personal questions like my credit score, or about my sex life or favorite colour…and there was no damn way i was telling the fedex chick what my favorite colour was. turns out the questions of which i was to be straightforward and clear in answering were my name. FIRST AND LAST! good thing i’m not a mumbler or there could have been an incident.
see? great blog topic.
my favorite part of the song “wonderwall” is when the boy from oasis sings “you’re gonna be the one that saves me…you’re gonna be the one that saves me” over-and-over-and-over.
DUDE no she’s not! get over it and get a haircut, you damn hippie.
that is all.
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