hey joker!

remember that time when you totally fucked up and spilt an entire liter of tonic water all over your hipster-kitchen-bar and in doing so engulfed your most precious worldly possessions with sugared-seltzer-water?

that was rad! …here are some highlights that you may have missed when you were cursing and biting yourself…remember how:

- your new macbook was placed neatly at the bar in front of the barstool you sit at each morning while trying to solve the world’s heath problems? yeah! that tonic water totally fucked that up! dude, that macbook was LITERALLY floating on a river of hurt…THAT TASTED LIKE TONIC WATER! dude, by the time you got to it, the soda water was still fizzing! it was as if your hopes and dreams were fizzing away! HA!

- oh..DUDE…remember how you laid the keys to your Jetta next to the Macbook? and ‘member how you think driving a Jetta is something non-capitalist-pigs purchase b/c they want german-engineering but DON’T want to be seen riding around in a BMW? and then in all your stupid-fuck-wisdom you decided to IGNORE the hell out of the nice key hooks to your imediate-fucking-left? but instead you laid your keys lazily next to your (now dead) macbook? I swear to shit, when you picked up that fancy swtich-blade-keyless-entry-thing and watched as your vodka juice ran out of it I thought I was going to piss my pants! so fuck rad!

wait wait wait…the best part is that just TODAY you decided it would be a bad-ass-fuck-idea to bring home your super-important-top-secret lab notebook that contains ALL of your super-fuck-important data and read over it AT THE KITCHEN BAR…AND NOW…well, let’s just say that that son of a bitch is holding more tonic water than your poor fuck MacBook.

I could not imagine how tonight could get worse for you! …wait what’s that? not getting laid either? damn, bro….need a hug?

well at least you’ve got your novel, “…you know…the one you’ve been working on for ten years?”