Tag Archive for 'create'

julia stared out the window as the skyscape screamed past her.

it all felt so familiar.

she was at home with her feelings, surrounded completely by the touch of her clothes and the taste of the air. she closed her eyes and felt her forehead press against the cold passenger-side window.

the whole night had been a blur and that was exactly how she had intended it.

the soft sound of a tune drifting over the car stereo served as a bitter reminder of what once was a dear promise.

the glare from on-coming headlights snapped her back to reality and she was faced with an existence without him. you see, when julia was honest with herself, she knew that she had only recently learned to accept the reality of her situation. in fact, picking herself up from pity and self-loathing had been her greatest achievment.

everyone thought so.

had you known what they had together, you would have congratulated her too.

everyone told her over and over how well she had coped with losing him and congratulated her on being able to get back to “normal”.

a million times a day, julia reassured herself that all was well and that life had moved on nicely and a million times a day she knew how sick it felt to lie to oneself.

as his car slowed alongside her street, she was quick to gather her things and thank him for the platitudes he had showered upon her that night.

“dinner was lovely and so was the company…thank you again,” she replied with a kiss to his cheek.

and with such few words she rushed to the staircase where she had shared her first kiss and it was there she paused until her evening’s nameless companion had safely driven away.

“it’s funny how it felt so familiar”, she smiled.

As she sat on the staircase where they spent so many late-night ascents, she smiled and wished him all the best in life and love.

sleep took hold of her quickly, but it was early when the sun pulled her from rest and once again julia was reminded of how much she hated the morning.

julia awoke early this morning. it was barely dawn when sleep betrayed her, leaving her alone in the early hours just before dawn. she had quickly learned to despise the sunrise and you would too if you were trapped in her mind and were sentenced to face the reality that had become her life.

she had been seeing him for a little over five years. he said that he’d never been so happy, but julia lived with the fear that one day he’d realize that he was in love with a girl who wanted to give him so much more than she was capable of giving.

she remembered the morning that he walked into her bedroom and kissed her forehead. “you said we had never seen a sunrise together. come with me, because the morning is waiting for us.”

julia shook off sleep–still drunk from a night of tears.

she followed him as he led her outside to the patio they once shared. the sun peaked above the sunrise as he asked, “isn’t it beautiful, baby?” she was too busy looking at him basking in the light of the new morning to see anything but his face.

“yes, sweetheart, it is. let’s stay here forever”, she replied.

he stood awkwardly for a moment before thanking her for the letter she had conspicuously left on his doorstep the night before…the very letter that had led to the morning’s events.

with nothing more than a smile and a tear he was walking away.

julia pleaded, “please don’t go. the moment has passed us by too quickly.”

“we’ve had the sweetest of lives together, but you’ve chosen a life without me and i can’t go back” he replied.

his resolve was what had first attracted her to him and now it had quickly become the force that had driven them apart, the very knife lodged in her heart, the taunting period at the end of their life’s story.

and this is why julia had learned to hate the morning…

julia sits alone in the darkness and dreams. it’s four in the morning and the stench of vomit is fresh in her mouth and the last thing she wants to do is hear his platitudes. he cleared his conscious and he felt perfect like the setting sun, like a lonely boy playing his innocent game.

“you feel so alive, so free of conscious, and free of guilt as if you’ve never loved before. so is that all you have to say? You know this helpless romantic is hanging on your every word.”, she pleads.

the bitterness rises up in her mouth and she thinks of how they meant so much to each other. but this is easier for him now and she fears the verse and the chorus and the bridge and she holds on tight as she looks down at her ash covered body and wonders what he must think of her.

“When you feel your fingers on his body, think of me and then hold tight to your rosary because i’ll be there with you, waiting for your blessing, waiting for your atonement and waiting for your pardon from purgatory. i pray to jesus and to the saints and to the foreign gods that betray me that this lone prayer may reach you.”

she realizes that if this bond can’t hold them together, then nothing could and the vows of humanity and of self-worth fall wasteful on a shore of lies.

and julia is shivering because it is night and she is naked, wondering where he could be found. but the darkness beckons and it feels so wonderfully peaceful to her, free from hurt and wonderfully calm.

…and julia shook as she awoke—alone.

mystery was sitting at a lonely table in the back of the bar, as she felt him walk through the door.

he was here and completely perfect for her.

she remembered his face and recalled how beautiful her lips felt when she would whisper his name.

he had disappeared so long ago, slipping away into the night and insisting that it was for the best.

She had wasted so many nights waiting to live and too often, just wanting to die.

but in a moment of fate and of shame, she would flee to her story in the night, a picture perfect recreation of what she wanted for herself.

She squeezed his hand and hoped for a response, but he wasn’t listening to a word, she was saying, only day dreaming of another life. She could never have enough of him, but she feared that he had plenty of her.

“afterall, what good is a life of shame?”, he consoled her.

She hid the tears in her eyes and she smiled the phoney smile that they had taught her. She was so convincing, complete with a toss of her hair and christian-smirk that would have made the pope blush.

She would show him how beautiful they could be together, how perfect life could find itself, but in between profound thoughts, she heard, “goodbye, mystery” as his nightly fling dragged him to the bar room door. She didn’t answer, but only looked away as his heart lurched forward, longing to beat with hers.

“Goodnight”, she said under her breath, and another night came to a spectacular fucking end.

julia watched the rain fall to the ground from her kitchen window. she closed her eyes and took a slow deep breath to remember…

it had been nearly a year since she had seen him but she could still recall the smell of his cologne, the sound of his voice and the taste of his lips. she would fight the temptation to call him. resist the urge to see him. forbid herself from smiling at the thought of his smile. he was so good to her and she was perfect for him. if each of has a soul, then hers was meant for him and his for her. he had taught her about true love, about giving yourself completely and about being utterly alone. when he left she cried like no one else ever had.

…as she exhaled and opened her eyes, she whispered, “baby don’t go away.” the rain had paused and in the deafening silence she knew what had to be done.